I was looking at an old hard drive and found some pictures I took when I first moved into my current rental. Its fun to see how much has changed over the past 10 years living here- I was 27 when I moved here- I had my first M-F job where I couldn’t go to work hungover and had to wear slacks. I think we can all agree that’s a big passage in life.

I found my own personal style here and created a place that I love- and even though very small- my friends have loved hanging out here as well. I painted and painted, and then painted again. I ripped out the gross carpet that turned my feet black even after my mom shampooed it twice, with my cousins, and we laughed and drank beer as we removed staples from the hardwood. I ripped out old gross tile and put down new. I redid the tub and recalked it. I replaced two of the faucets, or at least I tried. I nearly had a break down both times and my dad had to come over to help. In fact, the last time- three months ago, was really the catalyst for me pulling the trigger on this whole house buying thing.

My dad was a bit alarmed at how messy my house was, its not like I’m a “clean freak” but I certainly know that for my mental health its always best for me to maintain a pretty clean space- especially as small as it is. My dad told me I hadn’t seemed like my self as of late, and while I would definitely agree it was hard to hear him tell me that. That he had noticed, I can only speak for myself, but when I’m struggling with depression- however high functioning- I hate for my family to know that I’m struggling. I just don’t like to burden them. I know how hard it is to see someone you love struggle knowing there really isn’t anything you can do.

My dad retired about a year ago as a union electrician (and having very little money to play with made him truly a jack-of-all trades), and he reminded me that now was the time to seriously think about buying. To make that investment, at a time where he is willing and able to help me and teach me how to fix certain things myself since it’s something I’m very interested in.

And so here we are, I received the email this weekend that the appraisal came in and we have moved into the underwriting phase. And I’m over here reflecting and taking pictures of this little duplex before I start taking stuff off the walls and resume the packing process. Gonna leave those pictures here, I want to be able to look back and remind myself what I was able to do with very little money and a lot of fuckin’ heart and the want to create a space that felt truly safe.

When I bought this domain name I was on month 9 of feeling incredibly depressed, unfulfilled, stuck- whatever the definition of blah is, that’s how I was feeling. I had started reading a book about building your dream life, I think i was going to use this as a place to document the questions in that book. That was four months ago and I haven’t made it past page three in that book.

I turned 36 this year, and I’m not sure I had a birthday hit me the way 36 did. Don’t get me wrong- I wasn’t feeling stellar, I was laid off mid-way through the pandemic (June 2020) from the job I had loved for nearly nine years. I think up until that point I had always relied on my job to affirm that I was “successful” in life. As my friends were getting their masters degrees, buying their first (then second) homes, having kids, getting promoted and saving money, there was a part of me that felt them passing me by. But I was lucky, I had a job that I loved and up until about 9 months before I got laid off, loved me back. That sustained me. It was okay that I was a perpetually single, overweight woman in her mid-thirties, who was on year 9 of renting a 600 square foot duplex with almost no savings, because I worked a lot. And working a lot is okay, almost expected if you are a single woman with no kids- i mean to people who have kids its like what else could you be doing.

After I got laid off, and worked my way through the initial shock, grief and heartbreak of the situation, I felt somewhat hopeful. Like I could take my four months of severance and figure out what I wanted in life, what job did I really want to do? I have a marketing degree I don’t use, perhaps this could be the start of something. Maybe i could finally start painting again and revive the Etsy I had started a few years prior. I did paint, I sold one painting on Etsy and haven’t painted since. It’s not that I don’t want to, or enjoy it- I do. But depression takes a toll on creativity. It certainly did for me.

It wasn’t all depression, doubt and uncertainty. Over those four months I got back into reading, I met my Goodreads goal for the first time ever. I repainted my bedroom a crisp clean white and did what I could to make it feel like a cozy oasis from the world. I walked the dog a lot, and helped my dad restore an old truck. I refinished my bathtub with some rustoleum epoxy stuff and recaulked it. I surprised my mom and painted a wood paneled room in her house while she was out of town. I went and visited my Grandma- eventually I got a job, that I like enough. I built a workspace in my small duplex to to do my best to separate work from home.

I have truly enjoyed living in my little rental all these years, but have really outgrown the space and at times have felt suffocated working from home. Between some traumatic neighbor incidents and the need and desire to own my own home where I can do DIYs and update, existing in my current rental was becoming less and less ideal. Then the management company of my rental changed and they raised my rent 50% (to be fair I was only paying $500 for 8 years) and that was the final sign that i needed to move on (i.e., GTFO).

So finally, what’s next? I’m buying a house…well I’m currently attempting to. I’m under contract on a 60 year old fixer up, I got an FHA loan (utilizing the cash assistance program since i don’t have a heap to put down) and am currently in the appraisal phase so i’m waiting to find out if certain things need to be fixed before they will lend me the money. While stressful, throughout this process I have felt hopeful for the first time in a few years. I have dreamt of owning my own home, of doing updates with my Dad, and having a big fenced in yard for my dog for a long time. The fact that if all goes well, In 31 days I will be closing on a house- my house- it feels surreal.

So, what is this little space on the internet gonna be? I guess what I hope its going to be is the story of a single 36-year old woman finding herself again, outside of the rules of what society deems appropriate of a woman my age. Without the touch of this curated perfection that so many blogs and instagram posts seem to thrive on.

Ashley.