Searching for Happy

You’re Doing Great Bitch.

April 22, 2022Leave a Comment

(SAD) Seasonal affective disorder: depression associated with late autumn and winter and thought to be caused by lack of light. -The Internet.

A few questions that I hope you, the non-existent reader can answer.

– How does anyone afford anything ever?

– How do people go into work after they’ve worked from home for two years?

– How do people pay people to work on their house? Where does the money come from?

Obviously those questions hypothetical. I know people save for years, don’t go to target or get on amazon or make a lot of money, blah, blah, blah. Or just charge it and have massive debt. Either way- what a stressful time to be alive. This last few months in the Midwest has been very annoying weather wise, a nice spring day followed by a day of snow, some really cold days then 20 days of rain. Repeat. Yesterday it was sunny and 70 degrees and then it f*cking hailed for 5 minutes.

Bathroom before (kind of, there was some floral wallpaper up top) this was one night after work that I decided to be destructive and rip out the ugly tall cabinet. Just tearing out the cabinet made the bathroom seem a lot bigger, I painted the cabinet with a green sample I bought to test on the kitchen cabinets.

Most days I feel like I’ve done nothing to this house, but really that’s because it’s not the way that I want it to be, truly. The way that, in reality, it won’t be for like 20 years (unless I win the lottery I don’t play). I did a mini bathroom update for around $100, and put peel and stick wallpaper on the floor because I found it for $5 on Amazon. I assume I’ll replace it with some peel and stick tiles in the next few months, but it passes the vibe check for now. Honestly I just want a bathtub, I loooong for a bathtub. Someday I’m gonna have a nice soaking tub and read in it until my skin falls off.

Sprayed down the silver on the shower, the faucet and the existing cabinet hardware with some matte black Rustoleum and painted the bathroom white. Was this the greatest idea in a closed space? Of course not, but I had this lying around and I never claimed to have good or safe ideas.

Got some shelves off Amazon for $25 and found the mirror for $39.99 at TJ Max. Made my father and brother proud (one retired and one active union electrician) by installing this light myself without shock or electrocution.

Review of the peel and stick wallpaper flooring? If you get up close and personal you can see the imperfections, but it is doing what I wanted it to do. Cover the dark ugly vinyl flooring and it cost $15 dollars and applied very easily. Pretty rental friendly, I removed some for reapplication and it left a residue, but came off easily with some goo-gone.

I think the “You’re Doing Great Bitch” Society 6 print really brings the room together, at the very least it makes me smile while washing my face.

Ashley.

Popcorn Ceilings, Shitty Puns, and Shittier Homeowners Insurance.

February 23, 2022February 23, 2022Leave a Comment

I start this post with a very long exhale, like really long. Imagine filling your lungs up as far as you can and then exhaling slowly…but longer.

When buying this house, the first thing I imagined doing was getting rid of all the popcorn ceilings. I watched several YouTube videos where the demonstrators made it look like a piece of cake, 15 minutes and you were on your way to smooth ceilings. And now, here I sit, scoffing at that very idea. I did what the articles tell you to do, I sprayed with hot water, let it set and got to scraping. Several days later I was questioning all my decisions, when my dad very casually mentioned we could put 3/8-inch drywall over the existing ceiling. Fast forward to us hanging the drywall and cursing the constructor of this house because at some point the studs in the wall switch from one direction to another. A job that should have taken a few hours took us two days to complete.

Homeownership wouldn’t be complete if while working on one project, some other problem arises that can’t wait. For example, picture this…it’s Valentines Day 2022, your toilet is acting up, after flushing the bowl fills with water and then goes back down. And the next time it’s used, well, she’s clogged. There is not a plunger that can bring her back from her current state. Cut to several hours later you and your dad are using an auger to try to get out what’s clogging your pipes. After an hour you manage to pull out some tree roots from the line. Whatever plumbers are getting paid to deal with literal shit, I assure you, it’s not enough.

Once the great Valentines Day clogging of 2022 was resolved (which also included returning to replace a leaky cap a few days later), I returned to painting and trying to get my bedroom in order. My bed had been on the living room floor for two weeks, my back and I were both ready to be off the floor. At some point during this whole mess, I got a letter from my homeowner’s insurance that they are canceling my policy unless I put on a whole new roof on by 03/16. Um…trigger breakdown. The roof is in by no means perfect shape, but currently it’s not leaking, and while I knew I would have to replace it in the next year I certainly didn’t think it would have to be this coming month. My dad put me in touch with his insurance woman and they are happily insuring me. Trying to look at this as a positive, because while it’s almost a $1000 more a year, turns out I had a pretty bad policy, which explains why my policy was so cheap ($981). If anything had happened, I’m sure I would have had issues getting it covered.

Over the last few weeks, I have reevaluated the single home-buying decision several times. I’ve hated myself for taking a leap when there was a part of me that didn’t feel ready. I’ve cursed and cried, feeling like this house will never feel like mine, realizing that I underestimated how overwhelming it is to stumble into the unknown as the excitement wears off and the cost of repairs takes a bigger part of my budget. I have wondered how others have done this, others who have more responsibility (looking at the single mothers out there) and less resources than me have managed to come out on the other side. I’ve also smiled as I watched my dog run as fast as she can in her own backyard and felt accomplished when I’ve done small things like change the shower head, paint the bathroom vanity or breakdown boxes.

On Valentine’s Day my dad and I cracked a beer over the roto rooter we had just used for several hours, he raised his and said, “Happy Valentime’s Day”, to which I smiled and laughed. Proving you can find reasons to smile in the shittiest of situations.

Pun absoloutley intended.

Ashley

The discomfort of homeownership, a fixer upper and a tight budget.

February 2, 2022February 2, 2022Leave a Comment

I have officially lived in my house for a little over a week now. I had many assumptions about how I would feel, crippled with anxiety was not one of them.

The move itself was very easy, I always thought the next time I moved I would hire movers. I was wrong because movers are really expensive and not something I wanted to spend money on. So I rented a 17-foot Uhaul, and filled it up with my brother, his girlfriend and three of my best friends. Between the Uhaul and the three cars we were able to get everything in one trip. The final cost was $88 dollars for the UHaul, $15 dollars for gas for said UHaul, and the cost of pizza and beer.

Dog took a few days to adjust, but once she realized this was all hers she’s been just fine.

Honestly, the most stressful part of the move was moving the cats over the morning before we started moving. They don’t travel in the car much, so anytime they have to they are both panicked. It’s stressful to listen to them and their panic cries. But I got them moved, and by the next morning they seemed pretty settled in.

Once upon a time, a previous owner of this house turned the single-attached garage into some sort of den. I’m not crazy about the wood paneled room, but its a good holding space for all my stuff as I unpack. Or don’t unpack. And there has been a lot of watching tv and ignoring the fact that there are a laundry list of things I need and want to do so that this place starts to feel like home. I expected that I would move in and just hit the ground running, but there has been days where I have none nothing because of the aforementioned crippling anxiety. The complete inability to do anything because quite frankly there is just so much to do. Where do I start? What do I do? Why don’t I have $50k in my savings???

Turns out the cabinets in the kitchen were very low, my coffee maker wouldn’t fit under. My dad, brother and I moved them up. Much better.

Why I have a very depleted savings is a whole other post, and one I plan on making at some point. But the whole money thing is another stressful component to all this, and an obvious one. Like, I shouldn’t be surprised, but there are just all these things that I need that I didn’t have on my list. Like window wells, they aren’t bank breakers, but why didn’t I think to put them on the list?

I’m trying to be kind to myself, I’ve never done this before. I will learn as I go, it’s okay to take time to do things. It’s probably best that you do. I should take more moments to set in the reality and excitement that I bought a house on my own, and that I’m working towards a greater goal. I will get there. Woosah.

That being said, as I reflect, we’ve done a lot this past week. We’ve added some additional support for the foundation. We’ve raised some cabinets, my brother put up my Ring Doorbell, my mom and I cleaned A LOT (still doesn’t feel that clean, BTW), I removed the wallpaper in my bedroom and started scraping the popcorn ceiling (separate post to come, what a mess) and picked out the paint colors for my bedroom.

I will finish this ceiling this week (*she whispered to herself)….my bed is in my living room right now, not a huge inconvenience but not ideal.

This post is kind of a ramble, and that’s okay. I promised myself that with this blog I wouldn’t try to curate a life that might interest others. I wouldn’t ever make things look better or more exciting than they are. The reality is, right now, I’m a bit overwhelmed and my emotions have kind of shut down. Going to work on journaling this week: two things I’m grateful for, two things I like about myself, and two things I want to accomplish everyday.

Happy February.

Ashley.

The Final Countdown

January 20, 2022Leave a Comment

The most annoying thing about that I experienced during the home buying process was the hurry-up-and-wait of it all. From what I understand, that is not unique to my experience, but it was easy to feel like I was personally victimized by my lender. All that annoyance ended last week, which was the longest week ever. On Monday, the FHA appraiser had to return to come make sure we completed what we needed for the FHA loan (peeling paint on the outside windows), and the Structural Engineer had to come back and make sure the foundation updates were completed as required by his previous evaluation.

Living room now, nice gas fireplace and lots of windows. Downside is textured walls and popcorn ceilings. Sweat equity to come.

I’m the type of person hopes for the best but expects the worst…. sometimes to the point of paralysis. I bought a new car a few years ago and instead of getting it licensed I put it off and off and off because I’ve had a few bad experiences at the DMV. I put it off until I got pulled over, my car was almost two-years unlicensed, and they were towing my car. I’m not sure I really believed I was going to get a home loan until I was leaving the title office with the keys to my new house. I think the overwhelming worry and stress of thinking none of this was going to work out caused me to sleep like shit throughout the week and the I woke up feeling sick (e.g., head cold) Wednesday. Luckily when I closed on Friday, I signed a lot of stuff electronically, so I was only at the title office for a total of seven minutes.

Kitchen- the cabinets are good quality but will require some updating, eventually I will replace the countertops, sink, floors, backsplash etc.

And just like that, that part of this process was over. The two months of emailing, and waiting was over, and they were like okay, here ya go, welcome to the world of home ownership. I celebrated with jack-in-the-box, and I met one of my besties and my mom at the house to show them and pop a bottle of champers. My mom took my dog home with her for the weekend, and I went back to my duplex to sleep the weekend away and get better since I plan to move next weekend.

This week I’ve been finishing packing and going back to the house a few times to take some boxes over and clean. I’m really excited about the potential and the things I’ll be able to DIY and document here.

Eventually the bathroom will be completely gutted, for now I’m going to remove the wallpaper, add some paint and replace the vanity and mirror.

I’m not sure this will feel real until Sunday morning when I wake up there and I have a moment to take it all in. I look forward to shedding a few tears in my morning coffee.

Ashley.

A walk down Wyandotte lane…

December 20, 2021December 20, 2021Leave a Comment

I was looking at an old hard drive and found some pictures I took when I first moved into my current rental. Its fun to see how much has changed over the past 10 years living here- I was 27 when I moved here- I had my first M-F job where I couldn’t go to work hungover and had to wear slacks. I think we can all agree that’s a big passage in life.

I found my own personal style here and created a place that I love- and even though very small- my friends have loved hanging out here as well. I painted and painted, and then painted again. I ripped out the gross carpet that turned my feet black even after my mom shampooed it twice, with my cousins, and we laughed and drank beer as we removed staples from the hardwood. I ripped out old gross tile and put down new. I redid the tub and recalked it. I replaced two of the faucets, or at least I tried. I nearly had a break down both times and my dad had to come over to help. In fact, the last time- three months ago, was really the catalyst for me pulling the trigger on this whole house buying thing.

My dad was a bit alarmed at how messy my house was, its not like I’m a “clean freak” but I certainly know that for my mental health its always best for me to maintain a pretty clean space- especially as small as it is. My dad told me I hadn’t seemed like my self as of late, and while I would definitely agree it was hard to hear him tell me that. That he had noticed, I can only speak for myself, but when I’m struggling with depression- however high functioning- I hate for my family to know that I’m struggling. I just don’t like to burden them. I know how hard it is to see someone you love struggle knowing there really isn’t anything you can do.

My dad retired about a year ago as a union electrician (and having very little money to play with made him truly a jack-of-all trades), and he reminded me that now was the time to seriously think about buying. To make that investment, at a time where he is willing and able to help me and teach me how to fix certain things myself since it’s something I’m very interested in.

And so here we are, I received the email this weekend that the appraisal came in and we have moved into the underwriting phase. And I’m over here reflecting and taking pictures of this little duplex before I start taking stuff off the walls and resume the packing process. Gonna leave those pictures here, I want to be able to look back and remind myself what I was able to do with very little money and a lot of fuckin’ heart and the want to create a space that felt truly safe.

So, What the f*ck even is this?

December 13, 2021Leave a Comment

When I bought this domain name I was on month 9 of feeling incredibly depressed, unfulfilled, stuck- whatever the definition of blah is, that’s how I was feeling. I had started reading a book about building your dream life, I think i was going to use this as a place to document the questions in that book. That was four months ago and I haven’t made it past page three in that book.

I turned 36 this year, and I’m not sure I had a birthday hit me the way 36 did. Don’t get me wrong- I wasn’t feeling stellar, I was laid off mid-way through the pandemic (June 2020) from the job I had loved for nearly nine years. I think up until that point I had always relied on my job to affirm that I was “successful” in life. As my friends were getting their masters degrees, buying their first (then second) homes, having kids, getting promoted and saving money, there was a part of me that felt them passing me by. But I was lucky, I had a job that I loved and up until about 9 months before I got laid off, loved me back. That sustained me. It was okay that I was a perpetually single, overweight woman in her mid-thirties, who was on year 9 of renting a 600 square foot duplex with almost no savings, because I worked a lot. And working a lot is okay, almost expected if you are a single woman with no kids- i mean to people who have kids its like what else could you be doing.

After I got laid off, and worked my way through the initial shock, grief and heartbreak of the situation, I felt somewhat hopeful. Like I could take my four months of severance and figure out what I wanted in life, what job did I really want to do? I have a marketing degree I don’t use, perhaps this could be the start of something. Maybe i could finally start painting again and revive the Etsy I had started a few years prior. I did paint, I sold one painting on Etsy and haven’t painted since. It’s not that I don’t want to, or enjoy it- I do. But depression takes a toll on creativity. It certainly did for me.

It wasn’t all depression, doubt and uncertainty. Over those four months I got back into reading, I met my Goodreads goal for the first time ever. I repainted my bedroom a crisp clean white and did what I could to make it feel like a cozy oasis from the world. I walked the dog a lot, and helped my dad restore an old truck. I refinished my bathtub with some rustoleum epoxy stuff and recaulked it. I surprised my mom and painted a wood paneled room in her house while she was out of town. I went and visited my Grandma- eventually I got a job, that I like enough. I built a workspace in my small duplex to to do my best to separate work from home.

I have truly enjoyed living in my little rental all these years, but have really outgrown the space and at times have felt suffocated working from home. Between some traumatic neighbor incidents and the need and desire to own my own home where I can do DIYs and update, existing in my current rental was becoming less and less ideal. Then the management company of my rental changed and they raised my rent 50% (to be fair I was only paying $500 for 8 years) and that was the final sign that i needed to move on (i.e., GTFO).

So finally, what’s next? I’m buying a house…well I’m currently attempting to. I’m under contract on a 60 year old fixer up, I got an FHA loan (utilizing the cash assistance program since i don’t have a heap to put down) and am currently in the appraisal phase so i’m waiting to find out if certain things need to be fixed before they will lend me the money. While stressful, throughout this process I have felt hopeful for the first time in a few years. I have dreamt of owning my own home, of doing updates with my Dad, and having a big fenced in yard for my dog for a long time. The fact that if all goes well, In 31 days I will be closing on a house- my house- it feels surreal.

So, what is this little space on the internet gonna be? I guess what I hope its going to be is the story of a single 36-year old woman finding herself again, outside of the rules of what society deems appropriate of a woman my age. Without the touch of this curated perfection that so many blogs and instagram posts seem to thrive on.

Ashley.